


diamond under pressure

by thunderylee



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Asexual Character, Canon Universe, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2019-01-15 17:12:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12325323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: Leading a revolution by himself is hard, but the one who is the hardest to convince is himself.





	diamond under pressure

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck. written for shiritori and ace and aro august 2014.

Whistling a merry tune, Yamada pays the last of his bills. Being an adult is hard work, but even with his twenty-hour days he has it easier than most. At least he never has to worry that there aren’t enough funds in his bank account to cover his checks.

“Now that you’re rich, you should get a girlfriend,” his mother comments casually the next time he drops off his laundry.

“I don’t see what one has to do with the other,” Yamada replies with a sigh, already tired of this age-old discussion. “If I want to spend money on someone else, I’ll take Chinen out to eat.”

“I thought you two weren’t like that?” Yama-mama asks, and Yamada makes a face so unflattering that she laughs out loud. “Your sister already has that market cornered anyway.”

“I am well aware of that,” Yamada says dryly, once again trying to erase images of Chihiro and Saya out of his mind. “Even if I _was_ into guys, Chinen Yuuri would be the last one I’d date.”

“Date a girl then!” Yama-mama exclaims. “I find it hard to believe that the handsome, talented idol I birthed can’t find _someone_ to share his life with.”

“Do you want me to bring home a gold digger?” Yamada asks seriously. “Those are the kinds of girls whom I attract. Well, them and the ones who just want my body.”

His mother’s next laugh is almost patronizing, but not as much as what comes out of her mouth next. “Honey, that’s part of the deal. I’ve never met a man in my life who complained about a woman wanting his body.”

“I am not having this conversation with you,” Yamada grumbles, dropping his laundry basket and snatching up his keys. “See you later.”

The best part about a busy schedule is that it leaves him less time to think. He loves his mother dearly and knows that she only wants the best for him—what _she_ thinks is best for him, that is—but lately it feels like they live in two separate worlds. Or more like, everyone else lives in this world where the purpose of life is to have someone to sleep with, in both meanings of the term, and Yamada has no interest in any of that.

“Is it that you don’t like sex?” Takaki asks carefully during their break a few days later, when the weight of Yamada’s mother’s words is still weighing heavy on his mind.

“I like sex just fine,” Yamada says, not bothering to try and mask his irritation. It’s only Takaki, and he’d already been ranting for the better part of an hour about his mother and her presumptions. “There’s just no one I like enough to want to do it specifically with them, you know? If I just want to get off, I can go to any of you.”

Takaki blinks. “You don’t actively want to be with anyone like that?”

“I mean, there’s a fleeting attraction, I guess.” Yamada rubs his eyes—he hasn’t been sleeping well either. “It’s not like what you see on TV, though. I get feelings for people, but they always want more than I can give.”

“Yama-chan…” Takaki trails off, offering a big smile that seems so out of place given Yamada’s mood. “Maybe you’re asexual.”

“Asexual?” Yamada repeats, tilting his head as he processes the term. “Like an amoeba?”

“No,” Takaki answers with a laugh. “Like how straight people like the opposite gender and gay people like the same. Asexual people don’t like anyone.”

“Is that an actual thing?” Yamada asks, his heart beating with hope. “Don’t fuck with me, Yuuya. I’ve spent my entire life waiting to feel things that everyone else seems to feel just to be dumped every time I try.”

“Google it if you don’t believe me,” Takaki says gently. “You might be surprised how many people feel the same way you do.”

Yamada stares at Takaki for several very long seconds. “How is it that you know something I don’t?”

“I know a lot of things,” Takaki says smugly.

It takes a couple days for Yamada to have time to type the words into his search bar, but he’s glad he waited until he has a couple free hours because there’s a _lot_ to read. He doesn’t identify with everything these people say, but they make it clear that everyone is different and the one main requirement is not feeling sexual attraction.

“I love you,” Yamada declares the next time he sees Takaki, in front of the entire group and several staff members.

“I love you too, but I’m not into guys,” Takaki replies evenly, like he says this exact same thing every day, which is probably accurate.

“I’m not into anyone,” Yamada says, feeling like so much weight has been lifted off of his shoulders that he’s actually standing taller. “I’m asexual.”

There are a few raised eyebrows, but a sea of smiles slowly appears, making Yamada’s bigger. Speaking the words make it real, filling Yamada with so much happiness because he doesn’t feel broken anymore, doesn’t feel like there’s something wrong with him for not wanting to be with someone like everyone else does.

“It’s a sad, sad day for fangirls and boys everywhere,” Yuuto teases, and Yamada just rolls his eyes and shoves at him as he takes the next seat.

“See? You’re not alone now,” Hikaru says, but it’s not to Yamada. It’s to Inoo, who shares a conspiratorial look with Yamada like he’s just found his partner for taking over the world.

“You too?” Yamada asks, and Inoo nods once. “Can I ask you some things later?”

“Only if you call me senpai,” Inoo answers seriously.

Yamada laughs. “Okay, senpai.”

Coming out to his mother goes about as well as the experiences he’s read about online, though she does seem to accept it even if she claims that she has to rely solely on Misaki for grandchildren now. He tries to explain to her that he could still have a family someday, and for that matter so could Chihiro, but inevitably he just leaves her to her disappointment and does his own laundry for a while.

“It’s hard,” Inoo volunteers out of nowhere as he plays with the paperweights on Yamada’s coffee table. “Explaining it to people.”

“I’m finding that out,” Yamada mutters. “I wish I was normal.”

Inoo snorts. “Normal. You sound like one of them.”

“Sorry.” Yamada brings his hands to his face. “I thought adopting this identity would make everyone stop bugging me about dating.”

“That’s kind of stupid,” Inoo says. “You can’t change other people.”

Yamada thinks about that as he plays yet another psychotic role on television. His older sister told him that he thinks too much and he should just do what he wants, but he doesn’t hold much stock in the opinion of someone who regularly sleeps with a Chinen. Yamada wants to be accepted, to stop being bothered about his plans to include another person in his life, and most of all to be happy with who he is.

Coming out in Myojo is possibly the best and worst thing he could have ever done. He doesn’t exactly say it outright, but he makes it clear that he doesn’t get attracted to anyone in that way and values his friends and family more than a romantic relationship. Johnny loves it because it makes Yamada even more unobtainable (and therefore desirable), and it’s infinitely better than Inoo’s purposefully vague or nonsensical answers.

The fan response is overwhelming. Yamada doesn’t have time to read all of his fan mail (he barely has time to _sleep_ some days), but he hears that amongst the disappointment and hopes that he’ll meet someone who changes his mind, there are a small amount of people who feel the same way, who are grateful to him for taking a public stance so that now they can have a role model who is like them.

Within the agency there seems to be a mixed reaction as well, mainly hypersexual boys who don’t understand how Yamada could possibly be disinterested in boning anyone. He tries to explain it the best he can, especially to the juniors who look up to him, but he’s not the most patient person in the world and gets more frustrated than anything else. Why is it so hard for them to just accept that he is different from them?

“It sucks leading a revolution on your own,” he grumbles, only a little pointedly to Inoo.

Inoo shrugs. “Your life, your choices. Nobody made you go public.”

Yamada thinks about the ‘invisible’ asexual population he’s representing as he answers question after question from his friends, from his coworkers, and from complete strangers in interviews. He studies up on the different types of attraction and makes it clear that nothing applies to everyone; nobody can be grouped into a single category for anything, sexuality included.

Yes, he still believes in their song lyrics about love and forever. No, his provocative dancing and fanservice are not indications of sexuality. Yes, there is a difference between having a relationship without physical affection and just being friends. No, nobody has to understand it but Yamada and whomever he decides to include in his life. Yes, he’s had girlfriends before, but it never worked out because he wasn’t into them the way they wanted him to be. No, he is not an amoeba.

“I’m starting to think that this would be easier if I were gay,” he tells Takaki with a sigh.

“Probably,” Takaki agrees. “But are you happy?”

Yamada recalls the relief he still feels when he thinks about when he’d first learned that there were others like him, hoping that he makes other people feel this way now. “Yeah, I am.”

“Then it’s worth it, right?”

Sometimes Takaki is the smartest person he knows.

Months later, when all the hype thankfully dies down and Yamada’s lack of interest in people is no longer everyone’s top concern, Yamada opens the door to find the most unlikely person standing on his front step, smiling shyly at him like they were fifteen again and trying to figure out the best way to hold hands under the table in the library.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, a mixture of confusion and unresolved hurt clouding his voice.

“It took me a long time to gather the courage to do this,” Nishiuchi Mariya begins, taking a deep breath before looking him right in the eyes. “I am so, so sorry, Ryosuke.”

Yamada stops breathing. “For what?”

“’For what’, he says,” Mariya scoffs, and Yamada almost laughs because she hasn’t changed a bit. “I was so mean to you! I accused you of all of these things because you didn’t want to touch me, and…I know better now. I’m sorry.”

“I really did have feelings for you,” Yamada tells her. “You were my first love.”

“And you were mine.” Mariya regards him fondly, her grown-up eyes just as gentle as he remembers. “Can we try to be friends again?”

“Yes, yes,” Yamada rushes to agree, and she flies into his arms so fast that he’s already hugging her before his brain catches up. “I’ve missed you so much.”

Those words just slip out, but she just hugs him tighter. “Me too.”

He should have known that his mother would still hassle him, just now with the correct terminology. “Your people call them ‘zucchinis’, right?” she asks as they stroll through the produce department of the grocery store. “Have you found a zucchini yet, Ryosuke dear?”

“Why did we teach her how to Google again?” Yamada asks Chihiro, who just shrugs as she takes a selfie with giant cantaloupes, undoubtedly for Saya.

“You don’t want to know what _we_ do with zucchinis,” Chihiro says, and Yamada’s nose wrinkles so much that it’s almost painful.

“Hey!” someone calls over, and Yamada has never been so glad to see Inoo in his life, even if the other man leaps over the fruit displays instead of walking around them.

Their moms aren’t that close, but there’s an unspoken camaraderie between idol parents and Yamada’s confident that they can entertain each other long enough for his mother to forget about his love life.

“I told my family last night,” Inoo announces, and his eyes are actually sparkling.

“And?” Yamada asks, weirdly excited at the news.

“Both of my parents are relieved that I probably won’t knock anyone up and my sister says I shouldn’t be procreating anyway.” Inoo shrugs. “It could have been worse.”

“I’m proud of you,” Yamada says, lifting his hand for a bro-fist, and Inoo indulges.

“That’s like first base for you guys, isn’t it?” Chihiro teases, and Yamada laments for the millionth time that she had to come along on this grocery trip. Something about a new diet, and since Yamada insists on buying most of their food, he has to suffer with comments from the lesbian peanut gallery.

Yamada’s mother squeals suddenly, and Yamada figures out what’s going to happen a split second before it actually does. “Kei-kun is that way, too?! There you go, Ryosuke. He can be your zucchini.”

“His what?” Inoo asks, looking mildly interested. “Is that a sex thing?”

“Oh my god,” Yamada mutters, covering his face with his hands. “It’s not a sex thing.”

“It’s _totally_ a sex thing,” Chihiro whispers conspiratorially, and Inoo makes a contemplative face.

“I’m not really into sex things,” he says slowly, “but—”

“Stop that sentence right there,” Yamada cuts him off.

“Please take care of my son,” Yamada’s mother says to both Inoos, and Inoo and his mother give an automatic slight bow, both equally as bewildered.

“Why was I born into this family?” Yamada asks the peaches.

“Because we’re beautiful people,” Chihiro answers. “Be grateful, brat.”

Inoo frowns. “Are you sure it’s not a sex thing? Because one time Yabu had a carrot and—”

“For the love of god,  _stop talking_ ,” Yamada hisses, and Inoo clamps his mouth shut as he stares at the squash section in awe.

“See, they’re practically married already!” Yamada’s mother exclaims to the entire store, and Yamada decides he’s just going to send them money every month from now on.

By the time the next tour comes around, just about everyone has forgotten about it. Yamada hadn’t changed the world or anything, just given it some more options. He still answers the girlfriend questions in magazines and fends off rumors about female costars, including his rekindled friendship with Mariya, but for the most part nobody he knows asks him if he’s interested in anyone. Mainly because his mother is already planning his and Inoo’s wedding and everyone else minds their own business.

“I’m not wearing a dress,” Inoo says flatly. “Yama-chan looks much cuter in a gown than me anyway.”

“Shut up,” Yamada grumbles while the rest of Best snickers.

He didn’t really expect anything to change at their concerts, so he’s shocked when he sees subtle differences that go unnoticed by the others—his uchiwas made out of the asexual flag colors (purple, grey, black, and white), with spades instead of hearts. Things like “We still love you, Yama-chan” and Yamada’s personal favorite, “Don’t let anybody conquer that mountain” using his name as a pun.

“Just think,” he says to Inoo during a costume change. “You could have all of this support, too.”

“Then the fans would _also_ be planning our wedding,” Inoo points out.

Yamada tries to facepalm without messing up his makeup. “That defeats the whole purpose of everything I’m standing up for!”

“They don’t care about the purpose, Ryosuke,” Chinen speaks up. “They care about _you_. You could have told Myojo that you were into tentacle porn and they’d draw cute little octopi with heart-shaped suction cups on your uchiwas.”

“What about tentacles?” Hikaru wants to know as he breezes by, halfway undressed.

“Nothing, you freak,” Inoo says, grinning fondly, and he and Hikaru do some weird Best handshake before heading back to the stage.

During the encore, Yamada slips a little comment about the past year being a roller coaster into his thank-you speech, tearing up a bit from all of the emotions that hit him from being on stage and having so many people support what he had thought for so long to be a biological defect. Three pairs of arms hug him and he doesn’t even know whose they are, just that they feel good and make everything better.

“I love you guys,” his voice cracks into the microphone, earning more cheers. “All of you.”

“Who needs a girlfriend when you have us?” Yabu says, and Yamada laughs at how ridiculous these guys are sometimes. “You’re ours forever now.”

“Both of you,” Takaki adds quietly, and Yamada looks up to see Inoo standing to the side, awkwardly leaning out of the group hug. He’s not big on physical contact he hasn’t initiated himself.

After the concerts are over and he finally has some time off, Yamada sleeps for three days straight and takes care of some things around his home. It’s rare times like these that he actually thinks about dating, giving it another try and seeing if maybe there isn’t someone out there for him after all, but he wouldn’t know the first place to start.

Instead he calls Inoo, who is practically a regular at Yamada’s apartment to the point where one of the couch cushions is indented with the exact shape of his butt. They watch some movies and generally laze around, enjoying each other’s company after so long of being busy, and it’s the most comfortable Yamada’s been in ages.

“Thank you,” Inoo says suddenly, unprecedented just like everything else he does.

“For what?” Yamada asks, turning his head slightly to look at the other man. They’re on opposite ends of the couch, both sprawled out in their own ways, but it doesn’t feel like they’re far apart at all.

“For doing what you did. Making the world aware of people like us.” Inoo frowns like the words in his head are displeasing him. “You’re really brave, you know?”

“Brave or stupid,” Yamada scoffs. “It’s frustrating and a little embarrassing, but it’s worth it if there are people who feel better about themselves because they can relate to me.”

“There definitely are,” Inoo tells him. “You’re sitting next to one.”

Yamada smiles. “You can join me anytime, you know. Leading a revolution by myself is lonely.”

“I wonder,” Inoo says evasively, and he doesn’t say anymore.

It’s near dark before Yamada’s stomach starts rumbling, making them both laugh.

“I should cook something,” Yamada says, making no effort to move. “What do you feel like eating?”

Inoo flashes a wicked grin. “I’ve got a craving for zucchini.”


End file.
